No Sound Without Silence
by Marddish
Summary: My summaries usually suck so all I'm going to say is; What if everything wasn't as perfect as it seemed? What is someone could help another person out of a horrific situation? Would they do it? Would they try? Eventually Rolivia
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing, it's all part of Dick Wolf's empire. Merely playing with his characters for my own enjoyment.**

 **Jesse and Noah don't and probably won't exist in this story**

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Chapter 1

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The smell of freshly brewed coffee permeates her nostrils, slowly but surely dragging Amanda back to consciousness. He brain feeling like it's filled with cotton wool. Her mind fuzzy and confused.

Confused as to why she's waking up face down in the hallway of her home.

Confused as to why she's able to taste blood.

Confused as to why she feels like she's just gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.

Confused.

Slowly pushing herself to a sitting position, Amanda manoeuvres herself to lean back against the wall. Her knees bent and feet planted to the floor. Her arms resting on her knees. She scrubs her hands over her face, desperately trying to rouse herself, wiping away a slither of excess saliva from the corner of her mouth in the process.

"Here you go, my love." Amanda's fiancée says, extending a mug of coffee in her direction as she speaks. The blonde detective cowering away impulsively. "Now, now. It's just coffee. Everything is ok now."

"What, what happened Sarah?" Amanda asks the tanned, dark haired woman stood beside her.

"I was worried, my love. You were late and not answering your cell. You know how I get. I'm sorry, ok? It won't happen again." Sarah, a highly wealthy investment banker, tells her.

"Oh" Amanda replies carefully. Dropping her head to look at the floor between her legs in shame. "Sorry."

"It's ok 'Mand." Sarah tells her, crouching beside her and placing the mug on the floor. Sarah places a soft kiss on Amanda's temple before standing again. "I have to get to work. Make sure you cover yourself up, and I expect dinner on the table when I get home tonight."

The dark-haired woman hurries from their house, out of the front door, leaving Amanda slouched against the wall for a long while.

How things got like this she'll never know. She's supposed to be this strong, honourable detective, yet here she is, suffering at the hands of her own fiancée.

Closing her eyes, Amanda leans her head back against the wall, trying to muster up the energy to go and apply her make up to hide the bruise she knows is currently on full display for the whole world to see. Trying to muster the strength to face another hellish day of trying to hide both her physical and emotional pain from her obscenely observant colleagues. Something that is no easy achievement.

"It's all gonna be ok." Amanda says to herself before hauling herself to stand.

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Olivia steps out of her office, surveying the squad room. Looking for a suitable pairing of detectives to hand off the newly received case to.

Fin and Carisi are up to their usual antics, throwing balled up paper across the room as each other. The behaviour causing the commander of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit to roll her eyes. She checks her watch, it's almost forty-five minutes into their shift.

"Fin, where's Rollins?" Olivia barks in annoyance.

"No idea Liv, let me give her a call." Fin answers, picking up the receiver to his desk phone as he speaks, taking a flying ball of paper square to the forehead as he answers his superior.

"I've got it." Olivia tells him, waving off his offer to ring Amanda in annoyance, then pointing between her two male squad members, "You two, vic at Mercy, go. Now."

Fin and Carisi glance at each other like naughty school children before hastily grabbing their jackets and making their way to the hospital. With that Olivia spins on her heel, heading back to her office, her desk to call her tardy detective and ascertain her whereabouts.

Slumping down into the chair behind her desk, Olivia removes her glasses and squeezes the bridge of her nose. This is already the third day this week that Amanda has been late, and it was only Wednesday. Releasing a heavy sigh, the lieutenant places her glasses down atop an ever-growing stack of paperwork before fumbling around with other scattered papers looking for her cell, that had at some point become buried in the very short time since she had arrived at the precinct only an hour earlier.

Finally, Olivia finds her cell and instinctively navigates to her recent calls, finding Amanda's number with ease. Just as she is about to hit dial she sees her detective making her way through the doors to the squad room. He hair down, flowing over her shoulders and covering her face since her eyes are trained to the floor. Dark sunglasses covering her ocean blue eyes. The experienced woman watches carefully as Amanda moves, trying to figure out what is going on with her detective. Nothing seems unusually out of sorts, until the blonde begins to sit down at her desk. An involuntary grimace briefly crossing her face causing Olivia to watch like a hawk for the next few seconds. Taking in every tiny detail she can.

Most people would have completely missed it, but years as a detective, sergeant and lieutenant mean that Olivia didn't miss it. She sits watching Amanda fire up her computer, the sunglasses still covering the blondes face. Even from her distance, Olivia is sure she can see the hint of a bruise peeking from beneath the rim of the dark framed spectacles.

The resolve Olivia had had to speak to her detective about her time keeping dissolves into nothing, being replaced with something entirely different. Concern. Nervousness. Disappointment.

Concern for Amanda's wellbeing.

Nervousness for the safety of her detective.

Disappointment in herself for not noticing sooner that something was troubling Amanda. That she was dealing with something.

She knows she should try and talk to Amanda, but Olivia is also all too aware that trying to talk to her detective is no easy feat. Especially not when she's just walked into the precinct nearly an hour late and clearly in pain. Trying to talk to Amanda now would just make the blonde assume she was going to get yet another ear bashing for her tardiness.

But this time, this time, it was all going to be different.

"It's all gonna be ok." Olivia says to herself. Silently promising herself and Amanda that whatever the consequences, she would solve this for them.

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 **It's a short first chapter but it's been a long time since I've written anything. What do you think?**


	2. Chapter 2

**I own nothing, it's all part of Dick Wolf's empire. Merely playing with his characters for my own enjoyment.**

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Chapter 2

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Olivia looked at the clock for what felt like the millionth time in the last hour. She had been attempting to meticulously peruse paperwork, but the seasoned lieutenant's attention was drawn constantly to the withdrawn blonde detective at her desk in the squad room. Olivia had read the same sentence more times than she had looked at the clock, no mean feat by any stretch. Desperate to try and ascertain what would be a suitable length of time to let Amanda settle into the day before trying to talk to her. To let her relax enough that she wouldn't immediately be on the defensive, trying to justify her tardiness, throwing her ironclad walls up high.

"How long?" Olivia says to herself, sighing with exasperation as she considers her options. Her gaze once again drawn to her detective.

If Amanda had sensed her superior officer's eyes on her at all over the last hour she hadn't made it known. The blonde woman had hardly moved an inch in fact. After taking her seat at her desk and starting up her computer, Amanda had placed her chin on her elbow. Her dark, large framed glasses still framing her face. That is how she had remained the whole time, her right hand balanced precariously on her mouse.

The text tone of Olivia's cell drew her attention away from the scene outside of her office window. Picking up the device from where she had placed it an hour earlier she noticed the message from Fin.

New case was a bust. "Vic" cried rape to disguise an affair. Back soon. Amanda make it in yet?

Olivia rolled her eyes, aggravated by the fact people are still using the rape card to hide sleazy affairs, even this day in age, taking the focus away from the real victims. The truly brutalized men and women that actually suffer these heinous acts, that really need their help to catch the perpetrator and begin to heal.

Pushing down her anger and dismay at the stupidity of some people, Olivia's eyes once again wandered to Amanda. She decides she needed to at least attempt to get the detective to talk to her before the boys arrived back. Especially with the rambunctious behaviour they were exhibiting earlier before she had sent them on that bogus call. Choosing to not reply to Fin right now, Olivia stands from her desk. Stretching her sore muscles as she does before slowly rounding the solid wood piece of furniture. Stopping at her door for a second, Olivia surveys Amanda from a distance without the blinds hindering her view. Now she can see the blonde clearly, she can plainly see the worn look on her face, the steady rise and fall of her chest, the paleness of her complexion.

Olivia watches for a few long moments, deducing that Amanda has actually fallen asleep from the lack of movement, from the lack of snarky comments about being looked at so closely. Even though she can't see the blonde detective's eyes. Knowing from past experience that it is never a good idea to startle a sleeping detective after having Elliot pull his gun on her when she had woken him up on one occasion. Olivia reconsidered her next move and decided to head back to her desk to grab her cell.

Picking up her cell, Olivia navigates to Amanda's desk phone number, deciding that is a better idea than ringing the other woman's cell. At least with her desk phone Olivia can ring just long enough to rouse the sleeping detective without her wondering why the hell her boss is calling her instead of just waking her up. Her right thumb hovering over the number, Olivia takes another glance towards the sleeping blonde, overwhelmed with why she is suddenly giving the detective more leeway than she has in the past. Why she hasn't already dragged Amanda into her office and read her the riot act about her time-keeping. The lieutenant knows exactly why, but still she questions herself.

 _Because she's the only other woman in my squad?_

 _Because she's clearly going through something?_

 _Because she's had it rough in the past?_

 _Because I'm in love with her?_

She thinks to herself, heaving a heavy sigh, scrubbing her free hand over her face in exasperation.

"Get it together Benson, you're her boss. Be supportive." Olivia berates herself. She knows she needs to tread lightly if she is going to get Amanda to confide in her, but she is however still her commanding officer. She is still in charge of this squad.

Taking one last look at her sleeping detective, Olivia finally hits the number of Amanda's office line on her cell. Carefully watching the blonde from her office. As the call connects and the ringing commences, the noise of the office phone causes Amanda to startle. Jumping a mile into the air, knocking a half full coffee cup over on her desk before quickly scrambling to answer the obnoxious device and silence it. Just as her hand touches the receiver, Olivia ends the call, almost unable to contain her amusement at the flustered blonde. If it wasn't for the situation at hand, Olivia might have laughed out loud at the scene before her. Amanda muttering a sting of expletives under her breath as she attempts to save her computer and the paperwork spread over her desk.

Taking the few steps back towards her office door, Olivia leans again the frame, barely able to hide her amusement as she speaks.

"You ok there Rollins?" She asks calmly, fighting to keep the smile from her tightly pursed lips.

"Fine, sorry Lieu. Just knocked over my coffee." Amanda responds, a slither of anger evident in her voice.

"You don't need to apologise Amanda, these things happen." Olivia tells her, surprised by the uncharacteristic use of the word sorry over something as trivial as spilt coffee.

"Right." Amanda says, sounding mildly sarcastic, as if she doesn't believe what her boss has just said.

"When you're done cleaning up, can I have a word?" Olivia asks. Hoping that a gentle approach will cause Amanda to be more receptive towards her.

"Look boss, I'm sorry about being late today. It won't happen again, I promise." Amanda tells her. The blondes bottom lip beginning to quiver slightly for a reason unknown to the dark-haired lieutenant.

"Amanda, I just want to talk to you. To check in." Olivia tells her, trying to remain composed regardless of the obvious turmoil her detective is trying to hide.

"Liv, I'm fine." Amanda snaps. The reaction catching Olivia of guard for a split second until she regains herself.

"You're clearly not Amanda." Olivia says in a calm compassionate voice. The blonde detective tears beginning to escape from the bottom of her dark sunglasses. Olivia regards Amanda carefully for a second whilst she continues to clean up the coffee. Olivia takes a careful couple of steps towards Amanda, placing her hand on the distracted blonde woman's shoulder.

The next few seconds are a complete blur to the special victim's lieutenant as Amanda drops the tissues she had been mopping up the spilt coffee with and takes a rapid step back, pulling her gun from her duty belt and pointing it directly at Olivia's head. Olivia's hands instantly go up in surrender, indicating she had meant no harm to Amanda.

"Amanda, honey, look at me. It's ok, you're ok." The brunette spoke calmly, hiding the shock deep down inside of her. A few of the other uniformed officers in the squad room noticed the commotion and drew their own guns, training them on Amanda from behind. Olivia waved them away indicating she was fine, even though she was well aware that things could escalate very quickly. "Amanda, come on, put the gun down. You're ok, it's me, it's Olivia. I'd never hurt you."

"Liv?" Amanda muttered shakily, seeming to begin to regain control of herself.

"Yeah. It's ok Amanda." Olivia told her.

Amanda dropped her arms to her side, placing her gun on her desk before gripping the edge of the wooden surface with both of her hands. Her knuckles turning white in an attempt to ground herself.

"Amanda, come in here a second?" Olivia asks her whilst indicating towards her office. Careful to not touch the blonde and surprise her again.

Shakily the blonde detective begins to move towards her boss's office, her legs hardly supporting her weight as she moves. Once inside, Amanda all but collapses onto the couch, Olivia quickly shutting the door and the blinds. Sheltering the blonde detective from the outside world. With a renewed sense of cautiousness, Olivia sits down beside Amanda on the couch, the blonde woman surprisingly launches herself into the older woman's arms, body wrenching sobs escaping her mouth as she mutters sorry over and over again. Olivia holds her tightly, rocking her back and forth in a gentle motion shushing and soothing her detective the best she can.

"It's all gonna be ok Amanda."

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 **What do you think?**


	3. Chapter 3

**I own nothing, it's all part of Dick Wolf's empire. Merely playing with his characters for my own enjoyment.**

 **Sorry for the major delay; 90-hour work weeks, exhaustion and being sick has gotten in the way of me doing nearly everything I enjoy lately.**

 **This chapter will have more of a mix of my old style of writing and some of it will be told from Amanda's POV rather than third person.**

 **All mistakes are 100% mine!**

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Chapter 3

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Amanda's POV

I pulled my gun on my lieutenant, my commanding officer. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let that happen?

I've been trying so hard to keep the happenings of my home life, the fear, out of my work day. Yet here I am having pulled my service weapon on the woman who was trying to check I was ok. The woman who has fought for women like me on an almost daily basis for the last god knows how many years. The woman that was just doing her job.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I'm now bawling my eyes out in her office, wrapped securely in her arms.

God if Sarah could see me now.

Sarah.

What the hell am I doing in a relationship with someone like that? With someone that thinks it's ok to lash out at me over the smallest things? They say love is blind. I guess it's something I never truly believed until I began to find myself in this situation. I could have left, I should have left even, but I loved her.

My hands seek purchase for anything I can find to try and ground myself, to stop the onslaught of salty tears that are pouring from my eyes relentlessly. The paleness of my hands emphasised by the whiteness of my knuckles from gripping to Olivia's blouse. Her strong arms engulfing me in an embrace full of compassion and concern. Her hand soothing gentle in a slow rubbing motion on my back. But the tears still continue to fall, continue to trickle down my face onto the shoulder of her blouse.

It's like someone opened the flood gates and I just can't seem to stop.

I can't seem to reinforce the solid walls I usually surround myself with.

I just can't seem to stop.

"Shhh, Amanda it's all going to be ok." Olivia's voice manages to break through to my brain. Finally beginning to reach my ears, to sooth and calm me. I don't know how long its been, it feels like it's been a while though. My hands hurt from holding her blouse so tightly.

The gut wrenching sobs begin to subside, the only sound falling over the security of Olivia's office is her voice muttering soothing words. Words I don't even hear as the silence engulfs me.

There's no sound without silence.

Meaningful statements cannot be made without thinking about what you want to say first, the silence that persists whilst you think about what you want to say. The sound made by a person when you speak. Most people do not think critically about what to say, therefore, do not say meaningful things.

The only meaningful thing I can think of to say right now is to apologise. Apologise for bringing my home life to work, for aiming my gun at Olivia, for allowing my pain to cause such a mess.

Somehow, in the nothingness I manage to find my voice.

"I'm sorry." I mutter quietly, extricating myself from the caring embrace a feeling nothing but embarrassment washing over me.

The need to escape, to flee.

I stand abruptly, leaving Olivia's office, escaping the confines of the precinct as quickly as my legs will carry me. I'm vaguely aware of her calling after me. A confusion on Fin's face as I pass my desk, barely stopping to pick up my cell and keys.

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Third Person POV

"Liv, what the hell?" Fin asks his long-time friend and superior.

Olivia just looks at him, as she stands in the door way of her office, before her gaze falls back to the doors of the department. Following the route that Amanda's retreating form has just taken.

Seconds pass, Olivia realising that Amanda has in fact just upped and left. She turns and heads back to her desk, desperately trying to reign in her feelings of the whole situation. Her sergeant following her into her office and closing the door behind him. Olivia scrubs her hands over her face, thoughtfully resting her hands there as her mind plays over the events of the morning. Fin surveying her from a distance.

"Liv, what's going on? A Uni said Rollins drew her gun on you?" Fin finally asks.

"What's going on with Amanda, Fin?" Her eyes meeting his as she asks, ignoring his questions.

"I don't know. She's been late a lot recently, but she's been working hard. Focused. Why?" Fin tells her, trying to get a read on what is happening whilst also feeling bad for not noticing that his partner might be dealing with something.

"Something is going on with her. I don't know what because she wont talk, but something is." Olivia says. Not especially aiming it at her friend but thinking out loud.

"Want me to try and reach out?" Fin asks, his concern growing further for his partner.

"I need to do this. It's me that startled her." Olivia tells him, giving him a tight smile indicating that she is grateful for his concern of their colleague.

"She really pulled her weapon on you, didn't she?" Fin asks, suddenly exponentially more worried, if that was even possible.

Olivia just nods slowly, a grimace falling across her face at the memory from not too long ago.

"Liv, we need to find her." Fin says anxiously.

"I know. I Know. Did she pick up her weapon from her desk as she left?" Olivia asks, pushing herself to stand urgently. Her chair going flying in the process. A new wave of apprehension falling over the seasoned Special Victims Unit lieutenant.

As Olivia tries to organise her thoughts, Fin yanks open her office door, shouting across to Carisi who is at his desk, nearer to the three desks the detectives share in the squad room.

"Is Rollins's weapon on her desk?"

"Uh, I don't know." Carisi says back, after briefly glancing at the blonde woman's desk.

"Carisi man, get up and LOOK." Fin growls.

The younger, newest member of the teams stands from his desk and looks around Amanda's desk, moving papers and wet paper towels around. Not finding the item he is searching for.

"No, it's not here." He finally tells Fin and Olivia, who are both now standing just outside of the older woman's office.

"Shit." Fin mutters.

"Yeah, shit." Olivia fires back, glaring at him like this is his fault, even though she's fully aware it isn't.

"We really need to find her." Fin says.

"What's going on?" Carisi asks, confused by the sudden demeanour of his more experienced colleagues.

"We need to find Amanda, now." Olivia tells the younger detective.

"I know a place she likes to go when she's dealing with stuff. I'll check that out." Fin tells them both.

"Give me the address Fin, I'll go there. You two check out her home. And be careful." Olivia tells them, disappearing into her office briefly to grab her cell and keys.

"I'll text you it." Fin tells his lieutenant as he ushers a confused Carisi from the squad room, Olivia not far behind them both.

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 **Yes, yes, I know. Anyone that's read some of my other stuff will know I love writing drama and leaving cliffhangers. Unfortunately, that's never going to change. I feel like this is both rushed, messy and totally doesn't go where I want it to, but it's been a while so please forgive me.**

 **Also, some of you may noticed I have abandoned my other account (Marchitayska), just to be clear, that has everything to do with my stalker ex wife and anything on that account will remain unfinished, unless I decide to repost it on this account.**

 **Thanks for reading :)**


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